After dad died, I had to get picture frames for the funeral. I decided to go up to Mardel’s to see what they had and look around. While I was there I came across a ring with Proverbs 3:5 on it. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” I bought it and immediately put it on my right pointer finger in his truck with tears in my eyes. I had no other choice but to trust in Him. If I leaned into my own understanding, who knows where I would be. I haven’t taken this ring off my finger in 8 years. It’s my constant reminder that I have to trust in Him regardless of what happens. My Dad’s death affected me tremendously. I was also at that point 7 months pregnant with my son and I was having such a difficult time remaining “strong. I found out I had severe preeclampsia at an OBGYN appointment. I was told to immediately go to the hospital to have my son. They put me on Magnesium Sulfate which I had a reaction to. When I had my son, I remember not hearing him cry and seeing doctors and nurses crowding around him. I was terrified and I lost it. “WHY ISN’T HE CRYING?!”in tears. As soon as I said that I closed my eyes. I felt really cozy and I tried to open my eyes hearing voices around me and I too had a group of nurses and doctors around me. They took me off of Magnesium Sulfate and I came too almost immediately. I looked around for my son and I learned he was in NICU. I wanted to go be with him right then and there, but I couldn’t. The way I felt in that hospital bed was indescribably hurt. Being me, I naturally signed the AMA to NOT go back on the Magnesium. I built myself up rather quickly where I could walk to a wheelchair to be wheeled to the NICU to see Kevin very early that morning. My miracle. My whole entire world in my arms finally. God gave me Kevin knowing what I would have to endure. No one can tell me otherwise.
That next
year was incredibly hard. I was now a mom going through grief and a whole lot
with his father but I had my mom, my aunt, and my grandmother helping me. The
early part of 2018 I picked up my bible and decided I was reading all of it. So,
I did. I read the entire bible. I have never in my life read anything more silicious,
eye opening, and more powerful in my life. I’ve always believed but after
reading the bible entirely, I grew closer to Jesus. I started talking to him as
a best friend all day every day. That’s never once stopped all these years. My
mom became worse with her COPD. I became her fulltime caregiver too like I was
for my dad.
April 7,
2024 I lost my mom. After being in and out of the hospital that following
month, she died. The Saturday before Easter that year she was with me here at
home. It was one o clock in the morning and I heard her scream. I went into her
room and I saw blood dripping down her face. I sat on the floor with her
holding her head. She fell into her oxygen machine and had gashed her head. I
got up and grabbed a washcloth to put over the gash. She looked at me and said “I’m
so sorry” She had nothing to apologize for. Oh, mom. You had nothing to
apologize for. You’re my Bean. You’re the most beautiful person on this earth.
Don’t ever apologize to me. It’s been my privilege to take care of you. To this
day I still lose my breath when I think of her not being here. I lost my mommy.
Kevin lost his Coco. I became an orphan that morning. I’ve lost my mom, my dad,
and my brother. “Why, God?” I cried to the stars. “You’ve taken everyone away
from me. What did I do?” I thought I had done something wrong, obviously for
this to happen. I was 39 years old. Aren’t I too young to have to go through
this for no reason? My mom used to read Ecclesiastes 3 to me all the time
growing up. I took it to my heart. There is a time. Again, I have to trust in
the Lord with all my heart. My mom grew up a Jehovah Witness. As she grew older
she questioned what she believed but I always supported her in whatever she
believed. It was hard for me growing up hearing that my mom was in a cult and
she was going to Hell. My mom had a wonderful heart and she impacted so many
people’s lives. It affected me hearing and seeing that. My dad was a Christian
but believed church was in our hearts. He believed in science and God. I was
taught by them to follow my heart and what I felt was truth. I have been told
by those close to me that I’m not a strong Christian or a true Christian. I
listen to my music, I cuss, like Reiki, love Astrology; I have my faults. I
also know within, Jesus wants me to be me. This is who I am. Faults and all, I’m
Stephanie. I’m not supposed to be separated from the world. How else am I going
to tell people to test God to see if he’s really there if I’m not hugging
people and accepting them for exactly as they are. God doesn’t make mistakes.
He knows our hearts and our plans. You are just as God created you to be. I’ve
never judged one single person for their faith/lack of faith/sexual
orientation/identity; You’re loved as you are. In my wilderness I’m alone
really. I’m kind of judged about my own private faith. I’ve been questioned
about quite a lot in my journey. People have jumped ship not knowing what to
say to me or how to handle the situation. I’ve kept going for Kevin. It’s been
years since I’ve really felt at peace. This blog is a part of my happiness. I’m
finding my happy. I might be getting closer to finding my way out of the
wilderness slowly but surely.
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